ARE YOU A NINA-HAGEN-ACOLYTE?

Hopefully, for the society's sake, the next 9+1 questions will help you
decide whether you are a current or potential Nina-Hagen-Acolyte.  For those
of you who don't know who Nina Hagen is, RUN, THERE IS STILL HOPE FOR YOU!!!
Otherwise it's too late.  If it is against your religion to answer questions,
flip a Nina Hagen CD.  Heads - you're clean.  Steal a plane, fly to a remote 
pacific island and watch reruns of your favourite prime-time television show.
On the other hand, if you scored tails - you're a hopelessly lost Nina-Hagen-
Acolyte and should promptly give yourself up.  Kay here we go.


1: Do you listen to Nina Hagen when you're bored?

   Lots of Nina-Hagen-Acolytes actually find Nina Hagen entertaining, and
   voluntarily listen to her music to relieve boredom.  Most normal people
   have no trouble finding something better to do, like commiting suicide or
   excavating their nasal cavity with nothing but an ominous paper weight.
   
2: Do you listen to Nina Hagen when feeling anxious?

   Lots of Nina-Hagen-Acolytes actually find Nina Hagen's music relaxing.
   Scary isn't it.  If you can listen to Nina Hagen at all, let alone when 
   feeling anxious, and you can resist laughing hystericly or decapitating
   yourself with only the Ten Fifteen from Surrey, you absolutely have to be 
   a Nina-Hagen-Acolyte.

3: Do you use Nina Hagen's music to ward off the evil 'sanity' spirits?

   If you do this you have to know what sort of effect this has on 
   unsuspecting passers by.  Nina-Hagen-Acolytes know through experience that
   Nina Hagen's music wards off not only evil spirits, but everyone else
   within a 5 kilometer radius.

4: Do you listen to Nina Hagen's music inbetween meals?

   If you do this you have to know what an unfortunate mistake it is to 
   listen to her music during a meal.  It's like eating 30 minutes before 
   swimming.  Actually, it's like eating WHILE you're swimming.  For safety 
   reasons alone, all sharp or mildly sharp objects should be removed before 
   playing her music.  That includes spoons.

5: Do you listen to Nina Hagen at all?

   One of the most revealing aspects of a Nina-Hagen-Acolyte is the fact
   that they listen to Nina Hagen ( be it her music, interviews etc. ).
   Note that you merely have to listen to Nina Hagen to be a Nina-Hagen-
   Acolyte, and need not enjoy it, relate to it or what ever.  Within the
   first thirty seconds of exposure the underlying messages have already
   permanently affected your soul.

6: Do you find yourself fantasizing about padded rooms?

   From the mouth of the psycho-rainbow-punk-priestess herself, all rooms
   should be well padded, so that when you fall over you don't hurt your 
   head.  Sort of speaks for itself, doesn't it.

7: In wild fits of rage and insanity, do you; beat your friends/spouse/inmates 
   with plastic bottles?

   Yeah, well.

8: In wild fits of rage and insanity, do you; sing along?

   Something tells me Nina Hagen's stuff wasn't meant for karaoke.  
   Singing along requires memorisation of the lyrics.  Memorisation of the 
   lyrics requires reading her handwriting.  Reading her handwriting requires 
   a miracle.  Never-the-less, Nina-Hagen-Acolytes still try.  And it helps 
   to be in a state of mind where you can shout/screech pseudo-german.  Often
   this requires alcohol, non-perscription drugs, insanity, a sore throat,
   and a lot of practise.

9: Do you fantasize about moving to Tibet and growing tomatoes?

   Uh, right.

9+1:
   Do you 'enjoy' other heavy/wild/wierd and extremely alternative music, such 
   as Bauhuas, or Sisters of Mercy, where the singers chant in unintelligible
   Latin, German or English?

   There's something wrong, either genetically or behaviourily, with 
   Nina Hagen's followers, that forces them to seek out and gather musical
   feats of expression.  Some of them don't quite enjoy all of this.  They
   do enjoy immensely the reaction of their less tolerate peers as they 
   spin up Gene Pitney, The Isley Brothers, or Alanis Morisette ( ugh! ).


Well, if you answered positively to any of these questions or even hesitated
on answering, you're instantly branded a Nina Hagen acolyte.  Buy all of her
albums - especially NunSexMonkRock.  Have fun.
   

 - brought to you by the OSOAL Lifestyle-guide.