ARE YOU A COCA-COLA-HOLIC?

Hopefully, these 9+1 easy to read questions may shed some light the
problem.  If not, flip a coin.  Heads - you're clean.  Tails - you're a
hopelessly lost coca-cola-holic and should face up to your problem like a
human being.  Kay, here we go:


1: Do you drink Coca-cola?

   In an elaborate scientific study involving one coca-cola-holic and a
   glass filled with coke, the results point to the conclusion that
   coca-cola-holics drink coca-cola.  So if you drink coca-cola, it is
   possible that you are in fact a coca-cola-holic.

2: Do you drink a fair bit of Coca-cola?
   
   In an elaborate scientific study involving one coca-cola-holic and a lot 
   of glasses filled with coke, the results point to the conclusion that
   coca-cola-holics drink a fair bit of coca-cola.  So if you drink a fair
   bit of coca-cola, it is possible that you are in fact a coca-cola-holic.

3: Do you drink a fair bit of Coca-cola often?

   In a detailed scientific survey conducted in a shed in central Lower Hutt, 
   the results pointed to the conclusion that coca-cola-holics drink a fair
   bit of coca-cola.  Often.

4: Do you drink coca-cola alone?

   If you drink coca-cola alone you cannot possibly be a coca-cola-holic.
   All coca-cola-holics know that they are never alone, someone is always
   directly behind them ( which explains a coca-cola-holic's nervous head
   movement ).

5: Do you drink coca-cola steadily over a 36 hour period and wonder why
   other people lie down and don't move for a while?

   If you are a coca-cola-holic, you may not know that other people have
   a basic daily need to 'sleep' ( that is, lie down and breathe for 6 to 8
   hours ).  If you are a heavy coca-cola-holic, you may probably not notice
   that in fact you do this every now and then, while you're not looking.  
   This effect has often been passed off by many coca-cola-holics as periods 
   of intense bodily examination by beings from other worlds ( little green 
   men ), but was merely the body blacking out from exhaustion ( see next 
   question ).

6: Are the concepts 'Exhaustion' and 'Stillness' alien to you?

   If you are a coca-cola-holic, you may not know that other people
   experience periods where they are not moving rapidly or threatening 
   others with mildly sharp objects.  If you do not know this, it is
   highly probable that you are a high RPM coca-cola-holic.

7: Do you explode if you go below 50mph?

   A physical symptom coca-cola-holics suffer from is an urge to move at
   rapid speeds for short periods of time, stop and shake uncontrollably,
   and then burst off again.  If you experience this symptom, it is 
   probable that you are in fact a smooth-bore coca-cola-holic.
   
8: Do you have cold sweats and chills while thinking about straight-jackets
   or standing in queues?

   In a scientific study involving a heavy coca-cola-holic wearing a 
   straight-jacket while in a slow-moving queue, the results point to the
   conclusion that coca-cola-holics have a deathly fear of motionless,
   often resulting in immediate homicidal tendencies and antics with 
   screw-drivers.

9: Do you comment on the season of a bottle of coke and it's vintage before
   sculling it whole?

   Coca-cola-holics treat coke as a beverage above all others, save beer,
   and only they know the great vintage years of coke, it's subtle flavours
   and aromatic character.  All of this is made-up crap and infact one
   bottle of coke is no different from another.  Glorifying coke is a ritual 
   among coca-cola-holics that can not be overlooked.

9+1: 
   After a particularly hardy coca-cola drinking session ( often these span
   5 to 7 days ) do you find yourself counting up the empty bottles and
   remmenissing about the good old days?

   Drinking as much coke as possible to a Coca-cola-holic is seen as a
   mission.  Coke-drinking records are kept among the coca-cola-holic rings,
   photographs of the empty bottles are taken, and often, large statues
   depicting Coke gods are made from the empty bottles as a tribute to
   their wisdom in creating the wondrous elixir - coca-cola.


If you have answered positively ( discounting question 4 ) to 5 or more
questions, you are definitely a coca-cola-holic.  Fortunately, treatment
for this disorder is not expensive and rather fun - DRINK MORE COKE!

Well that's it for me, I'm off to drink some - uh - what was it?
Yer, bi.

 - brought to you by the OSOAL Lifestyle-guide.